you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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