***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
