now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
