that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
