That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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