I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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