FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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