if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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