your parents love me but you hate me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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