Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
