I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
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She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
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Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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