HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
