when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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