Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
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I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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