I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
