party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
