I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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