you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
