Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
