Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
