At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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