I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
