how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
