sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
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Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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