gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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