I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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