i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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