I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
