just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
