I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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