I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
