i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize