How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
