The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We are all done wearing pants today
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