i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
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Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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