A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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