Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I pour the whiskey from now on
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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