does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
