I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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