I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread