my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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