Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
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I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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