She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
