I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
