the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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