I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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