I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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