Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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