We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
