i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
