i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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