ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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