Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
