I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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